I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
