I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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