im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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