Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
