How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
