my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
