So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
