I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
