If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
