I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
