can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
My pussy is not your playground.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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