new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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