About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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