Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
