He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
3pm strippers are depressing
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
