remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
