Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
