Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
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