I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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