broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
