Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize