I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
