the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
