you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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