HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize