I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
