i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
