When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Are my feet made of real feet?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
