I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
