he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
3pm strippers are depressing
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
