college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
