God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
