why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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