I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
