you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
