you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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