i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
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