she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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