I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
My ass is underappreciated
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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