I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Randomize