you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
