just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
