Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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