Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
