Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
