My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
