my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I need to calm my uterus...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
