wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
