And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
