a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
