I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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