If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
