Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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