I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
