After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
