either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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