Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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